have you ever realized of not thinking about eating your words someday...?

well, just as i feel now, i did..but not so sure if its really it being eaten or just the circumstance is just a fate or destined to happen...i don't know much if this is karma...but it isn't.. surely.

so, this was just this feeling of excruciating pain, sometimes a creeping numbness or hollow black pit eating you out..were some of the things that made me so much pressured or disappointed or frustrated about being solo in life.

I never expect this to be cropping up now, the crisis in isolation versus intimacy roles. Yeah, this holds true to me very well that i could just relate it to our previous class in growth and development.

I realize it well, when i had meet up all the tasks of this role at the exact time i should have been experiencing it then i ought to not suffering the frustrations i am into now. Well, regret is just now, but not for long since every lapses could always be patched up though no matter how later in life...as long as you could never missed it.


I somehow find it a bit karma since  i almost had all the opportunity when i was younger but i just ignored them and fall into the pit of procrastination thinking that there's more  to come in time ahead.. though its indeed true. I just hope i never  waisted before what i am supposed to have now. But surely i think this is not just karma...for even once i never did something bad to all those trying to pursue me.. i just made a declining decision..something that's what my heart and mind uttered and that somehow hurt them but just a bit.

Then i had said it could have been fate or a destiny.. well its only God knows..I'm kinda assuming just to avoid the guilt feelings instead. Well going through back on my younger days still i hadn't find someone that suites best my personality or someone I'm comfortable into.So, i guess its was not yet the right time.. and i guess its just coming so soon.

Yeah.. so freaking  confusing.. and now I'm falling down into a mixture of self crisis and  i just could not get out until i sort out things into the right places. And the huge question how could i?

But whatever it is..that made me up confuse, disappointed, frustrated and pressured today..i know it would have an end.

Maybe just got to face them with less fear... confronting what's bugging off and accepting what's hard and changing what's needed to get better.